When Conversations Go Awry

Ever have a conversation with a customer, employee, friend or family member that didn't go the way you expected?

Ever take a step too far with your words, in a vulnerable way, and then NOT know what to do next – because your emotions started taking you over?

You know the feeling . . . your adrenal glands kicks in strong – almost instantaneously – and you jump directly into a "Fight or Flight" mode of operation.

I don't care who you are, I believe there are those that have experienced this . . . and those that will.

In fact, I'd like to say that I'm in the latter group, but more times than I'd like to admit, I find that I have to physically remove my foot from my mouth. And as much as I know how best to respond, my adrenaline still often gets the best of me.

Awkward moments are a part of life.

If you want to grow, professionally or personally in this world, you have to take chances. Feeling vulnerable and sometimes being a little too vulnerable is how you find out who you are and how to get better in “difficult situations”.

In business, it often happens in a sales environment, where you are pushing to make the sale. It happens when you are trying to open yourself to the client to build trust and a bond that you might cross the line. Maybe it's an untimely comment or joke, but you can immediately see it in the eyes of the person you are talking to.

In life, it might happen when you are opening up to a friend or family member – about something you have done or shouldn't have done in your past.

I talk about life and business being 10% of what happens either to you or caused by you and 90% how you respond – this is no different.

A Personal Experience

Recently, I found myself in this type of situation. I was talking to someone that means a lot to me, and I shared something that was not received the way I anticipated or had hoped.

Was it scary? Absolutely!

Did my fight or flight response kick in? You Betcha!

Truth is, I made things worse by not responding in a positive way, and letting fear drive my actions, rather than responding with my intentions in mind and staying focused through the process.

I let the “fight or flight” take over and I definitely made things worse . . . before they got better.

How To Handle The Situation When You Find Yourself NOT Going The Way You Expected.

Unlike many difficult situations you find yourself in, this is usually one that you didn't see coming. But that doesn't mean that you can't stay strong and not let the situation define you - rather than the other way around.

The key is recognizing it as it is happening. I believe, those that can feel that “fight or flight” response and funnel their emotional energy and focus it, can turn a tough situation into something that makes the relationship stronger than before.

So when you find yourself in a difficult situation like this – when you are looking across the table at someone who is pulling back from your last words – it's important to reconnect and go back to the basics - go back to your shared vision - and not get stuck in whatever it was that just got in the way.

So ask yourself, what is it that you both want – not solely what YOU want . . . nor just what the other person(s) want, but what you want together. Focus on what you both are looking for in the relationship why you are talking to begin with.

Remember to focus on your intent to help achieve that vision, and steer the conversation away from the words.

Be STRONG, but not belligerent.

Be confident, but not overbearing.

Listen and make sure you are respecting the others position and how they are feeling, and move forward.

You are both (all) trying to figure out how to move beyond the uncomfortable words that have been spoken – back on track with what you want. You are trying to take your relationship forward to where you both agree the relationship can grow.

And the good news is . . . in almost every case . . . you can.

Your Outlook Will Define Your Day - Your Life

Sunrise on a Monday Morning

What is your day going to be like today? Have you decided?

I've never been a big fan of Mondays. In fact, my Mom used to tell me that I was allergic to Mondays, since I tried my hardest to avoid going to school after the weekend.

It's not to say, that in many ways that I wouldn't rather sleep in on Mondays (especially since I'm usually up by 4:30 am, to provide coaching to my clients), but actually, I look forward to Mondays now. Mostly because since I started coaching I look at the week as a new beginning, instead of "long time until the weekend again".

Outlook is everything.

How you face your day will have as much impact as the circumstances you face throughout the day. How you choose to look at life will, for the most part, determine the way life impacts you.

If you have a positive outlook, thankful for the opportunities you face (counting your blessings) you will most likely see everything as an opportunity and make wonderful things happen for yourself both today, and in the coming week.

But (and this is tough), if you wake up on a Monday, and have the attitude of 'gotta get through this day' or I wish this day was over, then you will most likely look upon everything that comes up as a challenge.

Things will come up today, and every day forward. You have seen that time and time again. You can look at each day as an opportunity or as a burden to get through. Your attitude won't change the circumstances, directly, but it will change how those circumstances impact your life.

If you choose to find the positive in situations, then you will find happiness and opportunity in every situation.

If you choose to find the negative in situations, then you will find bitterness and feel failure in every situation.

Choose what you want your day to be!

Choose how you are going to handle every situation that presents itself to you!

. . . And then make it happen.

Leaders Start By Leading Themselves . . . First

Leaders Set Standards and Goals First For Themselves

The quality of a leader is reflected in the standards they set for themselves.

Ray Kroc

We are all leaders - leaders of our businesses, leaders of our families and yes . . . even leaders of our own lives. And before its possible to lead anyone else, you must first learn how to lead your own life and follow your own guidelines and standards. Because if you don't believe in and follow the ideals that you espouse, then no one else will either.

I know that may sound funny - following yourself, but it is something that happens more than you think - or it doesn't.

Your subconscious mind will follow your conscious lead. It will believe and follow you to the ends of the earth, if you truly believe and act on your words - and not just say them. But this requires integrity - consistency of action and deed - "Walking your Talk".

You have to live with integrity, be consistent and focus on the standards (and goals) within your life or your subconscious will not follow. Because when it comes right down to it, you, of all people, know when you are telling the truth and when you aren't. And you can pretend to lie to yourself, but your subconscious doesn't always follow your words - it follows your deeds.

What are the standards you set for yourself?

Do you have daily expectations that you hold yourself accountable to?

Do you have weekly, monthly, or even yearly goals that you review and ensure that you are fulfilling - again doing so with accountability in your life?

Or do you simply go about life, living willy-nilly - just doing a cursory review every year on how things went on New Year's Eve and on your milestone Birthdays.

When you say you are going to do something, do you deliver on your promise to others? To yourself?

These are all tough questions . . . intended to challenge you and get you to look at yourself differently. Most people I talk to want to change their surroundings but don't, but rarely follow their own lead.

So if you want to lead "Change" in this world, start first by leading yourself . . . and following your own advice and words. Or you should expect that no one else will either.

Separate Yourself From Your Competition

What a surprise . . . another great post today by Seth Godin, Taking The Leap. His blog this morning is about how market leaders tend to be head and shoulders above their competition with insulation that provides a considerable safety net.

In his words, Godin speaks of large market domination, siting examples that dominate the national / world scene. But the points he makes don't just apply to Big Conglomerates, but also to small "Mom and Pop" businesses in what ever market they define to be their market.

- If you are small Hair Salon in a small suburban town, it is possible to dominate YOUR geographic, demographic market.

- If you are small growing coffee shop chain in the Midwest, find out what separates you from your competition and build on it to grow and eventually dominate your market.

- Or if you are a Industrial Thread distribution company, it's possible to develop your systems in such a way that you grow and surpass your competition in such a powerful way that you build a chasm between you and them in your market.

Specifically, Godin offers three ways to separate yourself and build insulation:

- Spend your way to the top (Nike pulled this one off)
- Build an empire quietly, so that by the time any one notices you, they can't catch up (Build-a-Bear is a model for this).
- "Network Effect" (as he calls it), some markets are ready for one intermediary company to show up and be the default winner. (Twitter is an example of this).

Of the three ways to separate yourself from your competition, the one that you have the most control over is the second - build slowly and smartly under the radar (that is unless you are independently wealthy and / or just want to take the risk of being in the right place at the right time). And therefor the one that you should be focused on from a strategic perspective.

Unfortunately, building slowly under the radar requires consistency, discipline and focus - three things I find most small businesses lack.

The good news is that you don't have to be an MBA to pull this off. In fact, if you have formal training, you often tend to do what everyone else is already doing - which never leads to an enormous market advantage. Instead all you need to understand is three key points.

The essence to domination comes down:

• Focus on and grow towards your vision - not just trying to beat the competition
• Innovation and the development of a culture of constant improvement - where you examine your systems and how they work and improving them to better serve your needs and the needs of your customers.
  
• Long term relationships with all your stakeholders built on mutual benefit: employees, shareholders, customers, suppliers, and local communities.

If you work on these three elements and do so diligently, before your competition even realizes what you are doing, you will have so much momentum that they can't even come close to catching you - for a long, long time.

Take Advantage of Opportunities but Maintain Discipline

The most successful businesses maintain focus on their core mission and how it serves their clients. Your core business should be a combination of what you do best, what you are most passionate about and what pays the bills and makes you lots of profit. When opportunity comes knocking, and it will, you must have the discipline to make sure that it is aligned with your core mission and your strategic vision before you jump on it - always think carefully before you commit your company resources to what may turn out to be a costly endeavor that takes your time, money and assets from what you do best.

Unbelievably sage advice that is easier said than done.

Everyday, business owners are bombarded with "opportunities" that will make them "more money". And since owning a business is about making money, most small business owners jump at the opportunities.

Although these opportunities may appear to benefit the company in the near-term, they often distract us and stretch us so thin that we begin to deviate from the path that we set out on - the path to our vision.

This is why we should always work hard at the beginning stages of creating a business to build a strong foundation. And it's why in my coaching practice, I spend the entire first month working with my clients to help them understand the importance of Mission, Vision, Commitments and long-term Goals.

As it turns out, at least once a week, I have a client, either in a coaching session or over the phone, ask me if an opportunity that has "popped-up" is worth pursuing. They ask me, as if I have the answers for them. And much to their dismay, I often answer their question with more questions - the same questions every time.

How does that fit into your Mission, Vision and Commitments?

How will it help you reach your Goals?

How does that fit into your Business Plan?

And it's funny, even though they knew that's what I was going to say and they knew my answer before the words come out of my lips, they had to ask. They just needed to be reminded of what the are really trying to do - they needed to be reminded of what their Goals are and what their current plan is to reach those goals.

It's not that they don't or shouldn't pursue new opportunities, it's just that by staying focused on their long-term goals and vision and not being distracted by every "short-term" opportunity that comes up, they will actually always be working towards reaching the goals that they set out on - whether the journey started yesterday, six months ago or ten years ago.

And it's not to say that you can't redefine what you are about and take on opportunities that come up. I would never advise a client to turn down an opportunity. But they need to look at the decision - not within the context of what it will bring into the company today, but instead what it will do to help and cost the company in the long term.

Discipline and focus are very difficult for most of us. They don't come easy, because they are usually lost in everyday life. Simply stated, we forget about the future and focus only on the present (or near-term future). But, it is those that are able to keep the long term in the fore front of their mind that seem most equipped to actually make it happen.

So stop and look around at those that are most successful in every walk of life - sports, business, music, art, and school. They are nearly always the ones who seem to stay more focused on the outcome, even the in face of every day distractions. They don't compromise their vision to accomplish their long term goals for short term gain - no matter how inviting it is.

So ask yourself the following questions:

- How disciplined are you?

- How focused on your goals are you?

- If you are easily distracted from what you want in the long term, what are you
going to do different tomorrow?
© Copyright,

Live with Balance and Live in the Present

Last week I blogged, "Don't Manage Time - Manage Your Priorities" about an email I got from a friend who was struggling with focusing on her desired goals because of the constant attention that being a full time Mom places on her.

With her permission last week, I shared her words - because I found them to be very powerful. And I felt they would resonate with many of you who are Parents and small business owners and feel the same struggles as you try to balance home and work. Those of you trying to answer the question, How do you best manage your time to get everything that you want / need to get done?

So when I got a follow-up email from my friend even more powerful than the first, I again asked her permission to share it with you:

JJ - I started using the log again for my weekly goals. And one thing that I am noticing is that the days where I am accomplishing at least one business goal and one physical, emotional/spiritual and intellectual goal I feel more satisfied and balanced in all those areas. I really believe that balance is the key to living your life to its fullest. Since my email to you last week, I have been making sure that I am doing my best with whatever I am doing at that moment and what a difference that makes!! When I am working on something with the business I try to give it all my attention. And when I am with my kids, I give them my all - I am not feeling guilty about not spending time on the business or vice versa. I think the feeling of guilt really has caused a lot of my stress. Thanks again for all your help and advice!!

The lesson to be learned from this email is not a Business lesson, but a life lesson. And it is simply that we all need to live our lives with balance and to live them in the present.

Balance is everything. But most of us, present company included, are terribly out of balance. We spend all of our time taking care of one or two of our elements in our lives. But we are not not just Intellectual beings. Nor are we just Emotional, Physical, or even Spiritual beings. We are a combination of all four of these elemental aspects of our life. Unfortunately, when you ignore any one of them, it will have repercussions in your long term success. All four elements must be honored and nurtured to have long term health of the mind, heart, body, and soul.

I'm guessing, if you look back in your life and are honest with yourself, you will find that your life was happiest and healthiest when you honored harmony and balance between all of these elements of your life - not just one or two.

Furthermore, living in the present is being able to give all of your "balanced" self (mind, heart, body, and soul) to what you are doing - RIGHT NOW. That means clearing your mind of other activities and giving everything you are to the task at hand - no matter how small or menial it may seem. It's about being the best you can be at that moment - because you know that each thing you do and / or need to do will have it's moment - and you will be just as present then as you are right now.

Spend some time. Look at your life. And evaluate whether or not you are actually living a balanced life and living it in the present.