Self-Sabotage or Self-Preservation?

There is an interesting phenomenon that occurs with many people who decide to “change” their life for the better. They commit very deeply to the process of change – truly believing they will do what ever it takes to make the change become permanent. But just as they are about to “break through” to the next level, they disengage from the process and go back to their old self.

Why is this? Why do they pull-back from change just as things are getting good?

Is it because they changed their minds and don't really believe in their goals anymore? Or because they don't think the process is working for them?

I don't think so!

Even though they may say and "feel" both of these things, I don't believe it to be true. In fact, I think that just the opposite is true. And the longer I coach, the more I see it happen.

You see, up until the point of backing down, most people actively participate in the change process at a conscious level. They make real decisions to be who they want to be. And they are very motivated.

Unfortunately though, change in the early stages isn't permanent - it's just surface changes. Real change takes time and requires a deeper commitment. It requires changing habit patterns which are subconscious thoughts - and these are not as easily changed.

Sure, they get close to making a real difference long term, but they never carry through because of an incredible strong drive to quit and / or destroy everything they've worked for up to this point. And it feels the longer they fight it, the stronger the feeling grows.

It is precisely at this point that most people quit and go back to who they have always been – back to what feels comfortable every day. It is really a shame, because just as the pull becomes strongest is the precise time that you have to find a way to push through – at a conscious level – because your gut (your inner voice) is doing everything it can to hold you back – to keep you from taking that next step.

And it is doing so more out of self-preservation than anything else!

The very survival of everything you have counted on as “truth” depends on you not going any further. In the next couple steps you take, you will begin to see a new truth. Each step is a challenge to what you have always known and will redefine your world image. Your subconscious knows that you are on the verge of breaking free from your comfort zone as it is right now – and reaching a new plateau in your life. And this plateau in your life will leave the past as simply that – your past.

Up until this breakthrough, the tug of your old self grows with each passing day – until you feel like you can't go another step. Do not succumb to these tugs and go back to their comfortable life. If and when you have the strength to step through that invisible barrier, that is your comfort zone, you will no longer feel that ever-increasing tug. You will find a new freedom and drive to keep moving forward.

Don't get me wrong, you will still feel the tug of your old self. But after breakthrough, with each passing day, the tug will get weaker – and your new path will gain strength. The new you will begin to take shape.

It's not that you forget who you were, it's simply that you begin to see yourself as something new – as something re-defined.

So here, if anywhere, is where you need to find someone to support your journey – to encourage you to keep moving forward – to help you find what lies outside your comfort zone.

Sadly, too often, you can't count on your family or your friends of old on this journey. It's not because they don't love and support you or because they don't want what's best for you. Instead, the problem with those who love you so dearly is that from where they stand (usually inside your comfort zone), the pain you will endure is being caused by your efforts to change, not by the struggle to break from your old habits. They want to you be who they have always know you to be, more so than who you can be.

Many people call this process self-sabotage. Honestly, I think the name is wrong. It's not sabotage at all, it's actually self-preservation. To see it as “against” you is, in my opinion, looking at it from the wrong perspective. And this perspective actually makes it more difficult to overcome. Conversely, when you see it as an attempt of preservation of the old you, it is actually easier to step through and overcome.

It's not you trying to sabotage your dreams – it's you trying to save the only YOU that you ever known – the YOU that you've always been.

Here is the simple truth - "You will always be you." And instead of leaving the old you behind, you will add to it. You will learn new things, new tricks and gain new experiences.

As I said in one of my earliest blogs, Be Willing To Give Up Everything To Get What You Want, you have to willing to give up what you currently have in order to create or get what you want. And now you can see, more than anything else, what you have to be willing to give up is what previously defined YOU – and allow something new to grow and become who you are.

Face Your Past As It Was, Your Present As It Is, And Your Future As It Will Be

I often tell my clients that I am the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future all rolled into one person for them. I make them see their past as it was, face their present as it truly is, and given the current course of life, show them the brutal facts of where they are headed to in the future.

Although it's not Christmas time, I wanted to share this story because Spring is the season of change. And I thought "A Christmas Carol" has as much relevance today as it does in the middle of the Winter.

To me, the old story of Charles Dickens isn't about Christmas or the "Greed" of Ebenezer Scrooge, it is a story about "letting life" get in the way of what you want to be become - of who you really are.

In his present life, Scrooge lost his way. He became obsessed with money and ignored everything else in his life - but more than that, he lost his "vision". He had become so focused on satisfying his immediate needs to forgot to focus on what he really wanted from life - he forgot what was most important to him - what he was about.

How many of us has a dream when we were younger - a dream of who we would become or how our life would end up? And how many of us are living that life right now? Or are even on the course to live it?

If you are, that is wonderful. But if not, why not? Why aren't you doing what you always wanted to do with you life?

Are you waiting for "some day"? I've got news for you. . . it never arrives.

Are you hoping that your "Fairy Godmother" is going to come in and change your life automatically for you into what you've always wanted it to be? Again, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Fairy Godmother was killed in Shrek 2.

Stop waiting for tomorrow, or the next day, or something magical to happen to give you a sign to start living your dream. It ain't coming. But, I do have some great news for you. The same news that the Ghost of Marley told Scrooge - it's not too late to change who you are and therefor change who you can become.

Think about it. What would the Ghost of Christmas Past show you? What did you dream about growing up? Where did you see yourself in the Spring of 2009? Where did you see yourself in Spring of 2019 for that matter?

Then look at where you are today - how does this compare to what you dreamed of? Did you give up, or did life just get in the way, as it did with Scrooge? Were you just too naive to think that dreams could come true when you were younger, or are you too hardened now to still believe?

Your life probably doesn't compare to that of Scrooge - forgetting everything that mattered to you, but how much is gone. When was the last time you listened to the voice of your inner child?

And then stop and think. If I don't change the way I think, where will I be in 10, 20, or even 30 years? Who will come to my funeral? Will I be alone at the end? Will I look back and smile at every dream that I fulfilled, or will I die with regret?

These are all hard questions, but ones that you should sit down and ask yourself regularly - even though you may not like the answers. The good news is that if Scrooge could turn around his life just from finding the answers to these questions, imagine what you can do.

If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it.

William Arthur Ward

Take Advantage of the New Beginnings of Spring

It's so funny, I know I say this during all of the four seasons, but Spring is definitely my favorite. I love the way it represents rebirth and renewal.

From lifelessness comes life and from black and white comes an abundant rainbow of colors.

This weekend I've had my kids - and we have enjoyed every minute of each day, playing outside, picnicking, and basking in the sunlight.

Not every day is perfect. But it sure can be close, when you commit to making it the best it can be.

The weekend might be over, but life and happiness don't end on Sunday night. Make a point to do something that will bring new hope and new life to you world every day this week.

- Go for a walk in the park at sunset
- Visit a friend you haven't seen for months
- Eat your lunch outside, with your shoes off - letting the grass wriggle through your toes.
- Rather than buying your Mom a gift this week for Mother's Day, do something really special, make something for her like you did in Kindergarten
- Do something for your significant other that you haven't done for them in a long time that you know they just LOVE.

It's May! The Sun is warm and the flowers are blooming. Make sure to live today like its your last day on earth, and at the same time like its the first day of the rest of your life - BECAUSE IT IS!

When you change how you look at life, you change the way your life looks.