What Are You Doing To Help Yourself?

Changing the way you view yourself and your current situation is one of the best ways to change your life. It is the first step to developing new behaviors. And it helps you recognize the progress you've made in your life as well as assisting in finding new solutions to your existing struggles.

But how do you do that? How do you change the way you see your situation and yourself, if all you know is what you have always done?

That's a tough question - that most people struggle with. In many cases it is the answer you can't find on your won - you need outside help (a life or business coach or someone acting in that role). But, in the absence of an outside agent helping you see your life differently, here are some tips / techniques that you can use yourself:

- Stop accepting the problem as the end. Listen to yourself talk sometime about your problems, even if it means recording yourself and playing it back. Are you always talking about problems and stopping right there? If you are an "excuse maker", that is probably the case. So rather than stopping at the problem, take yourself one step further and offer a solution. It doesn't have to be the perfect solution, it just has to get you closer to better situation than you had / have already.

- Find what's working, focus on it and do more of it. Ask yourself "What's working in my life?" or "What worked for me today?" and really focus on that. Most people see so much "wrong" in their lives that they forget to look at what's right. When you can see what's right, you can begin to understand the power you have over your own life. And the more you understand that power, the more you can duplicate it in the future.

- Be grateful for what you have. Gratitude is a grounding process. The more you are thankful, the more you begin to look at life as full of abundance, rather than scarcity. Take a few moments every day to focus on what you are thankful for in your life and you will begin to see your life in a completely different way.

- Stop doing what isn't working for you. This may sound like common sense, but as has been said many times by many people, "Common Sense is NOT Common Practice." Just because something doesn't work for you doesn't mean that you are going to automatically stop doing it. The reason most people don't apply this rule is because they've tried to stop, but nothing seems to work to change it. But honestly, they haven't tried everything - just what they know.

The internet is an amazing thing - forums on just about every subject / problem out there. Google your struggle and find a new solution. Try it and give it your best to change what's not working for you. If that process doesn't work for you either, then try another and another. Make it is that "not working for you" is not an option.

- Take small steps every day, rather than large steps once a week / month, to achieve what you want. Real, lasting change requires sustainability. Sustainability requires that you be able to live with the changes. The truth is the bigger the changes you try to accomplish, the stronger the pull back to your old habits. This is one of the reasons dieting is so hard - the more dramatically you try to lose weight, changing your lifestyle, the stronger the pull of your old lifestyle is and the more likely you will yo-yo back to where you started.

So if you want to change anything for the rest of your life, do it in small, measurable, planned increments and do it for the long term . . . not the short term.

Go Forth And Conquer By Systematizing These Ideas

None of these tips are magical - they require hard work and daily diligence - the one thing that we all tend to struggle with. If you truly want to help yourself, you won't stop by just trying these few tips I written above once or twice - instead you will take the necessary steps to take these steps from once a week occurrences or "only when I feel bad" solutions, to every day solutions that you apply not only when things are good, but also when they are NOT.

That means putting into place some form of daily accountability that will help you stay on track even when you don't feel like it anymore. It means doing more than just getting excited today. It's about getting excited today and every day forward - not just about generating results, but also in the daily process.

How Far Will You Go To Fulfill Your Dreams?

I have found that most people truly believe they are committed to their goals and their dreams. They wake up every morning, believing they are doing everything possible to make their life what they want it to be. And they see that it's just their circumstance that is holding them back: they had a tough life growing up, the economy is sluggish, their parents didn't support their dreams, their boss is a jerk, etc. (I could go on for pages).

The truth is, these are not the reasons they are not achieving their goals - they are just the excuses they create to forgive themselves for giving up – for giving in.

It doesn't matter who you are. . . . excuses permeate the mind - but overcoming them (or not) is the difference between Success or Failure.

Never, Never, Never, Never Give Up!

Winston Churchill

What Are You Willing To Do To Overcome Your Excuses?

I recently read that psychologists measure commitment by the steps taken in the face of adversity.

So how committed are you?

Are you willing to do whatever it takes, in the face of the smallest (or even the largest) adversity to achieve what you want?

When the times get tough, to you accept that circumstances are just not favorable or that it's “just not in the cards”?

I don't care who you are and what your goals and dreams are . . . in today's world, in today's environment, you can accomplish whatever you set you mind out to do. But you have to be willing to accept that there will be adversity – it's a part of life. And more importantly, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to overcome it when it hits.

Facing The Truth About The Commitment To Your Goals

One of the most difficult tasks a coach has to do with a client is “enlightening” them to how "uncommitted" they are to their goals and objectives. Sure it's easy to tell someone they aren't doing what they could be doing to change their circumstance, but actually getting them to understand and accept it deep enough in their subconscious to act upon it requires more than just stating facts. It often requires overturning truths that they hold very dearly – the truths that have defined who they are up to that point in their life.

Quite often, it's not a matter of a lack of desire that prevents most from achieving their vision. Desires / and wants are bountiful in everyone's life. Instead, most people fall short because they don't possess a commitment to do whatever it takes to overcome their current reality – it's just easier to give in than to fight.

And too often people confuse doing what they know how to do, what is easy to do, and what is comfortable to do, with doing everything possible under the sun.

Opening Your Eyes To Your Own Story

Convincing someone they lack resolve is not easy. We all have a story that we tell ourselves that supports our self-image. We have created a a mental support structure of built-in excuses that we apply to all the circumstances we encounter to further support that story about us.

Facing the truth about “our story” is not easy. It requires hard evidence. People must see for themselves how their story is actually preventing them from higher levels of commitment – preventing them from achieving their goals.

That means that they not only have to see that they aren't fulfilling their goals, but also that it was their choices, at each crossroads of life that got them where they are today – not the circumstances that surrounded their lives.

This is a difficult task. You see, most people are pretty good at seeing that they aren't achieving their goals. But very few actually admit to themselves that it wasn't the circumstance that caused the failure - but their own actions / inactions.

Instead of blaming circumstances, they need to take responsibility for the actions and their choices.

Instead of quitting in the face of adversity, they need to embrace the challenge and ratchet up their commitment to turn the situation around in their favor.

Instead of seeing problems that pop-up preventing them from achieving their goals, find solutions that turn the problem into a new opportunity.

Take This Opportunity To Ask, “What Is My Story?”

How committed am I?

Have I done everything I can to make my dreams come true, or do I just make excuses for myself?

And most importantly, now that you are armed with this knowledge, what are you going to do differently to overcome the adversity that is inevitable in the pursuit of any worthy goal?

Self-Sabotage or Self-Preservation?

There is an interesting phenomenon that occurs with many people who decide to “change” their life for the better. They commit very deeply to the process of change – truly believing they will do what ever it takes to make the change become permanent. But just as they are about to “break through” to the next level, they disengage from the process and go back to their old self.

Why is this? Why do they pull-back from change just as things are getting good?

Is it because they changed their minds and don't really believe in their goals anymore? Or because they don't think the process is working for them?

I don't think so!

Even though they may say and "feel" both of these things, I don't believe it to be true. In fact, I think that just the opposite is true. And the longer I coach, the more I see it happen.

You see, up until the point of backing down, most people actively participate in the change process at a conscious level. They make real decisions to be who they want to be. And they are very motivated.

Unfortunately though, change in the early stages isn't permanent - it's just surface changes. Real change takes time and requires a deeper commitment. It requires changing habit patterns which are subconscious thoughts - and these are not as easily changed.

Sure, they get close to making a real difference long term, but they never carry through because of an incredible strong drive to quit and / or destroy everything they've worked for up to this point. And it feels the longer they fight it, the stronger the feeling grows.

It is precisely at this point that most people quit and go back to who they have always been – back to what feels comfortable every day. It is really a shame, because just as the pull becomes strongest is the precise time that you have to find a way to push through – at a conscious level – because your gut (your inner voice) is doing everything it can to hold you back – to keep you from taking that next step.

And it is doing so more out of self-preservation than anything else!

The very survival of everything you have counted on as “truth” depends on you not going any further. In the next couple steps you take, you will begin to see a new truth. Each step is a challenge to what you have always known and will redefine your world image. Your subconscious knows that you are on the verge of breaking free from your comfort zone as it is right now – and reaching a new plateau in your life. And this plateau in your life will leave the past as simply that – your past.

Up until this breakthrough, the tug of your old self grows with each passing day – until you feel like you can't go another step. Do not succumb to these tugs and go back to their comfortable life. If and when you have the strength to step through that invisible barrier, that is your comfort zone, you will no longer feel that ever-increasing tug. You will find a new freedom and drive to keep moving forward.

Don't get me wrong, you will still feel the tug of your old self. But after breakthrough, with each passing day, the tug will get weaker – and your new path will gain strength. The new you will begin to take shape.

It's not that you forget who you were, it's simply that you begin to see yourself as something new – as something re-defined.

So here, if anywhere, is where you need to find someone to support your journey – to encourage you to keep moving forward – to help you find what lies outside your comfort zone.

Sadly, too often, you can't count on your family or your friends of old on this journey. It's not because they don't love and support you or because they don't want what's best for you. Instead, the problem with those who love you so dearly is that from where they stand (usually inside your comfort zone), the pain you will endure is being caused by your efforts to change, not by the struggle to break from your old habits. They want to you be who they have always know you to be, more so than who you can be.

Many people call this process self-sabotage. Honestly, I think the name is wrong. It's not sabotage at all, it's actually self-preservation. To see it as “against” you is, in my opinion, looking at it from the wrong perspective. And this perspective actually makes it more difficult to overcome. Conversely, when you see it as an attempt of preservation of the old you, it is actually easier to step through and overcome.

It's not you trying to sabotage your dreams – it's you trying to save the only YOU that you ever known – the YOU that you've always been.

Here is the simple truth - "You will always be you." And instead of leaving the old you behind, you will add to it. You will learn new things, new tricks and gain new experiences.

As I said in one of my earliest blogs, Be Willing To Give Up Everything To Get What You Want, you have to willing to give up what you currently have in order to create or get what you want. And now you can see, more than anything else, what you have to be willing to give up is what previously defined YOU – and allow something new to grow and become who you are.

Seven Steps To Making Your Goals A Reality

Why do some succeed at reaching their goals and others don't? This is a question that has plagued the less fortunate for centuries.

After watching some succeed and others fail for most of my life, including more than 20 years in the Navy and now nearly 3 years as a Business Coach, I've put together some simple steps to help you reach your goals - Seven to be Exact!

1. Set SMART goals and write them down. Be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Reasonable, and Timely. “Working out more” is not a good resolution. Nor are “lose 20 lbs”, “spend more time with my kids” or even “make my wife happy” - as much as she will tell you that it's the best one there is.

What are you going to do to work out more? How are you going to measure it? By when do you want to lose 20 lbs? How much time do you want to spend with you kids? How often?

As important as it is to set goals, they need to be goals that you can measure, you can reach and ones that have a time line – a call to action.

Instead of “working out more” you might set the goal to create a habit of exercising at least 30 minutes every day by April. Or instead of “losing 20 lbs”, you might set the goal of changing your daily eating habits to only eat 2000 calories per day on the average while burning 2500 calories by March 1st.

Will these goals result in what you are trying to do? Absolutely. But more importantly, they call you to action right now and give you something realistic every day that you can shoot for to get to where you want to be.

And once you set your goals, never waiver! It's too easy to compromise and it costs too much. Once you gone done the path of compromise, you might as well start all over.

2. Be brutally honest with yourself. There are two things that you need to keep in your mind at all times – first is your goal or vision (step one). The other is the truth about “what is” – an honest assessment of the current situation.

For many, this can be the hardest thing – not because they don't look at current reality – but because they don't see it truthfully, and because they don't take responsibility for their participation in it.

You see, what drives you to reach your goals is the tension (stress) created from the gap between your current situation and your goals. The bigger the gap, the more stress on you, the harder you try to shrink that gap. But if you aren't truthful about the current situation, then you lessen the tension and stress that is the driving force for you to take action. And you reduce the likelihood to do what is necessary to reach your goals.

Tell me if you have ever heard this voice inside your head before, “I've done really well this week. I worked out a couple of times – not as much as I had planned, but better than I used to do. Eating one more spoonful of pasta isn't going to break me. I'll just make it up tomorrow.” To be brutally honest, I've heard it many times. And it was usually the beginning of the end of my commitment. It's not that I was intentionally lying to myself, but I certainly wasn't facing reality.

And I certainly didn't make up for it the next day.

3. Create a game plan that includes small measurable steps that you can take every day. Most resolutions are life-changing – and life changing habits don't happen overnight for most of us. They start as small changes to your daily lifestyle, that create huge changes over time.

So, the best thing you can do is to start small – something you can do every day and don't expect miracles from yourself. It can't be so grand that you burn yourself out the very first week, but keeps you moving forward. The key is building momentum. And even if all you can manage is a small improvement, if you do it every day, it will make a huge change in your life. Take that extra small thing you do every day and then multiply it by 365 days a year. You may be surprised at the results.

Carrying the “work out” goal forward. Don't try to start working out every day from the very beginning. You are setting yourself up for failure and you know you will quit in no time. Instead, throttle back your exuberance the first week. Plan to work out twice a week. But on the days that you aren't working out, give yourself five additional minutes when you go to work in the morning. Park the car in the furthest parking spot available and commit to walking into the office, then walk up the stairs instead of using the elevator. It doesn't sound like much, but if you do something everyday you are teaching yourself commitment that will carry forward in the weeks and months ahead.

4. Figure out why you haven't done so well in accomplishing your goals in the past
and plan a way to avoid those same mistakes. Most people think they learn from their mistakes – but few actually do. If they did, they would all eat better, work-out regularly, have no relationship problems and probably make a whole lot more money. So, how good are you at honestly and objectively assessing your past mistakes?

You don't have to be great, you just have to be honest with yourself. And believe it or not, it always comes back to one thing – You.

Look at what you wanted last time and try to see exactly when you stopped taking responsibility for making it happen.

Life will get in the way of your goals – ALWAYS! There will be one or more reasons everyday not to do what you committed to do – those reasons are very real. But it is your choice to overcome them or allow them to become excuses. Expect everything to go wrong in the process. And commit yourself to do whatever it takes to continue anyway.

The best way to overcome this is to list the potential life problems you have had in the past and figure out a way to empower yourself to overcome them. By facing the problems that could arise, you will be armed to preempt them as the come up.

5. Find an accountability partner who will be more committed to your goal than you will. When you enlist someone else to commit to helping you reach your goal or live within your resolution – everyday – you’ll feel accountable to that person. That accountability to someone else, having to report daily progress, will drive you in ways that you haven't felt before.

That person shouldn't be your spouse, or another close loved one whose help may turn into nagging, because of the personal nature of your relationship. Because there will be days when you need their support to be brutal and forthright. Even in the best relationships, this can cause tension that doesn't need to be there. Take a lesson from the mistakes of hundreds, if not thousands before you, and enroll someone whom you trust, but don't have an exceptionally close relationship with.

Your accountability partner should expect a daily report. And you should feel obliged to give it. That person should be able to call you to action, when you are at your lowest motivational point, and cheer you on when you are on top of your game. Marshall Goldsmith, an Executive Coach who has helped hundreds of Senior Executives in Fortune 500 companies, talks about a friend of his that he calls every night. No matter where he is in the world on business, his friend listens to what he got done that day, how well it went and what he intends to do the next day. And he does the same for his friend.

6. Don’t make excuses, except in truly rare circumstances. As I said before, in the real world, life gets in the way. Life is the reason we are where we are today – have the health and wealth we have today. Life is the reason we give ourselves for not sticking with our commitments. But remember,

If you want different results than those you have always gotten,
then you have to do something that you've NEVER done before.

There will be days that you won’t be able to meet your daily goal – whether its walking for 30 minutes, eating less than 2000 calories or spending at least 30 minutes of alone time with your kids. There will be exceptional situations, but the key is to make sure they really are exceptional.
Don’t make excuses for reneging on your resolution or goals. There are no excuses, only facts. And the fact is that you keep your resolution, because it’s part of who you are.

7. Have a reward picked out for reaching your goal – even for small steps along the way. One of the biggest reasons people fail to change the way they do things is that they fail to “reward” themselves for actually accomplishing new things or creating a new behavior.

As complicated as our personality make-up can be, we are really very simple creatures in many respects. When it comes to learning new behaviors, we like to be rewarded when we do good!
Most people set goals like “Lose 15 lbs by June so that I don't feel like a fat slob when I go on vacation.” This type of reward, avoidance of the negative outcome, is rarely successful. In fact, it often creates the undesirable state, because it is what your mind focuses on.

Instead, change your goals to be “Lose 15 lbs by June so that I look hot in my new bathing suit – that I'm gonna buy for myself, when, and only when I reach my goal. Price is no issue - the sky's the limit.”

Think about it, how do you respond better to your wife or to your boss – praise every time you do something good or yelling every time you do something wrong? Which makes you want to do the right thing more next time? Doing things for yourself is no different.

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

A client of mine told me yesterday that making more money, doing what he was doing, is easy. But then he said, he isn't doing it, because he doesn't like what he's doing anymore.

Can you say EXCUSE?

Yep, that's what it is - nothing but an excuse.

It's amazing the excuses we make trying to defend our actions - or even better our in-actions (and I use the pronoun 'we' in the preceding statement purposefully). The scary thing is that we reward this "excuse-able" behavior by convincing ourselves that the excuses are legitimate - that they are valid reasons to prevent us from taking action.

Don't kid yourselves - these excuses may help you feel better in the short term, but in the long term you will kick yourself over them. And most likely you are setting yourself up for a life of regret if you don't break this habit immediately.

Frankly, you have a choice - either you can choose to NOT have the world you want, making excuses for every little thing that gets in your way. Or, you can take control of your life by taking full responsibility for what you do (or don't do).

It is your choice. And whether you realize it or not, everyday you're making this choice - even though most of the time it's done completely unconsciously.

So as you are going about your day, listen to yourself. Listen to the language you use when you tell yourself or others why you didn't do something you intended to get done. Listen to the reasons and ask yourself, "Am I just making excuses?"