Repeating The Same Thing Over And Over Isn't Going To Make Them Listen

Do You Ever Find Yourself Repeating Things To An Employee (or your child)?

When you find yourself in the situation of repeating yourself for the first time (you've said it once, they didn't respond, and now you are saying it a second time), it's important to realize that the thought process / personal commitment wasn't really there for them to change their behavior - the first time. So rather than saying it again and only getting frustrated with their lack of response, it's time to lead them through the process of commitment (even if it means a few extra minutes with them).

Remember, slow is fast when it comes to relationships.

Commitment takes shared meaning - an understanding of "why" as much as understanding "what". And in many cases it requires actual personal participation (even if on a very simple level) through their getting an opportunity to provide input into the solution, or at least being heard.

Commitment from others to your idea doesn't take you telling them. No instead it takes "being heard and understood".

And once your employees (or anyone else) feels heard and understood, (not agreed with, but understood) and believes that you have at least considered their point of view, it's amazing how quickly they can and will get involved and commit to the solution.

On These Issues, Invite Them Into The Process . . . Don't Exclude Them.

So, invite those whom you are trying to lead into a discussion - share with them why you are stating what you are stating and invite them to share their feelings. The key though is that you must listen . . . empathetically. The solution doesn't have to change (but it might). But by being heard they will become considerably more committed in their own mind to the solution and the process you are asking them to participate in.

For example, A couple of months ago, I told my kids to clean up the horse manure in our pasture as part of their chores. Yeah, it's a lot of work, but it's not "hard work" per se. Being the loving children they are, they agreed to do it. But in truth, they had made not internalized the effort or committed to it, because all they could see was the barriers, they didn't get a chance to speak their mind or really get a chance to understand my reasons.

So over the past month and a half, I've been hounding them to clean up the pasture. I would get OKs, but no action ever really resulted. I failed to listen to them, understand their obstacles, their issues, and truly invited them into the process. there was no shared meaning /no shared agreement. They were agreeing because I told them to, not because they committed to it.

The Solution Is Leadership And A Commitment To Include, Not Dictate

In most cases (especially in business), people try to buy commitment with pay. But what they don't realize is that by doing that, they aren't getting commitment to the job, they are getting commitment to the pay. There is a big difference, and you don't have to go too far down any Main Street in America to see employees who are getting paid (often quite well) with little or no commitment to what they are doing.

So, all that being said, there are two things to gaining commitment to a process or idea.

- Have a open dialog about it - sharing the facts as you see them and your feelings and opinion and inviting them to do the same.
- Provide a solution and / or ask them to contribute a solution to the discussion and find the best solutions together.

This is more work than telling - and it is work that most of us try to avoid. But this is Leadership. Dictatorial direction works fine to a certain point with employees (and in my case) kids, but eventually they revolt back. And yes I understand that sometimes for safety reasons, there is no time for discussion, but those are rare.

Whenever possible, whether you are working with your employees, your spouse, your kids or anyone you are trying to "influence" in any way, take few minutes and discuss - the results will amaze you. Because as a result of your discussion, not only will you get a whole new level of commitment, but any discussion that you have to have in the future over failure to fulfill the agreed upon tasks will be completely different than any one you have currently. Because they won't only have let you down, but they will have let themselves down - turned their back on their own commitments.

Don't Invite The Wrong People Into Your Dreams

Sharing your ideas with the wrong people can be deadly to your dreams.

I've seen it personally and with people I know more times than I can count.

When you start to dream, you are extremely vulnerable. You want to believe the dreams can come true, and in many cases, you are beginning to let yourself believe they can.

However, if you are like most people, you believe dreams are just that . . . DREAMS. They happen for other people, but not for you. So when you start the process of beginning to let yourself believe in a dream, you have to be careful - careful with how you treat that dream and careful who you share it with.

In most cases, the people we wish to share out dream with are our loved ones. We want their support and for them to join in and help us achieve our dreams. Unfortunately though, it doesn't always work out that way.

You Are The Person You Are Because Of The People You Have Surrounded Yourself With.

A couple days ago, I wrote a blog about how you are, who you surround yourself with, We Are A Reflection Of The People We Surround Ourselves With. And you can change where you are going by changing the people we surround ourselves with.

We all inherently know this . . . at a subconscious level. We know that about ourselves and about others.

So, when you share your dreams with others, especially family and friends who love you, part of their subconscious reaction is to undermine those efforts. Not because of some malicious desire to kill your dreams - that's not the case at all. In fact, they do it out of love - they do it out of the person that they want in their life

You see, when you begin to pursue your dreams, those who know and care about you inherently know that you are going to grow. And growth is not only towards your dream, but also away from your old life - and possibly away from them.

It's important to know that people don't throw roadblocks in front of you intentionally.

They don't provide negative feedback on your ideas because they want to hurt you.

When you set your dream and commit to it, you change who you are.

However, those around you haven't changed at all. They haven't committed to your dream - in fact it may be completely different from what they want. That doesn't mean they don't care, it only means they don't want things to change.

Don't Invite The Wrong People Into Your Dreams

The bottom line is that your dreams, especially in the early stages, are vulnerable. So be careful who you share those dreams with.

Look at your past. . . it doesn't matter how much someone loves you, if they have stifled your dreams in your past, they most likely will again today . . . or in your future.

Protect your dream, until it matures and gains strength in your own mind.

And then, when it is safe, and you know that their nay-saying won't undermine your efforts, bring them on board - because after all, they are quite often the people that care the most about you.

How Will You Challenge Yourself Today?

“Do something everyday that scares you.”

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Sometimes our push comes from our parents.

And sometimes that push comes from within.

There is a great video by SimpleTruths.com that talks about this very issue - Eagles Need a Push

When Was The Last Time You Were Scared and Overcame That?

When was the last time you did something that really scared the heck out of you?

When was the last time you took a chance - whether with sharing an idea, pursuing a dream, risked embarrassing yourself, or did something that you know would shake the foundation of your world for the rest of your life.

A Personal Story About Overcoming Fears

Here is a little story, that I've told many times, but I think it's an important story . . . nonetheless. And I don't "autobiographize" very often. Yes, I know that's not really a word, but it's my blog.

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Growing up, I was scared of everything. Scared of heights, scared of speed, and scared of leaving home. You name it, I was scared of it. But I was lucky, because in spite of my fears, I had a couple key people in my life that made me do things that I was afraid to do, because they knew it was the best thing for me and knew that I would enjoy it in the long run.

My Mom drug me up (and then down again) one of those Big Carnival Slides (where you sit on the mat) literally kicking and screaming. But don't worry, after crying all the way up and down that first time, they couldn't get me off the slide for the rest of the afternoon. I hear tell that I went down by myself at least 10 times in a row. And, the story goes that they had to drag me away when it was time to go.

But I didn't learn my lesson there - I still was afraid. I wasn't able to figure out that fears weren't real . . . just in my head.

In fact, ten years later, my older brother Michael drug me on the Lochness Monster in Busch Gardens, Williamsburg - my first Roller Coaster ever. Yes, again, he drug me on nearly kicking and screaming. Needless to say, it was the best thing for me. Because now, even though they still send chills down my spine every time I get on the truth is I can't get enough of roller coasters. I love 'em.

And this all leads up to my 19th Birthday. Still struggling with my fears (specifically my fear of heights), and knowing I had to do something to over come them, I did something that would change my life forever.

On a sunny, hot, August morning, after sleeping in (because I took that day off of work), I walked into the kitchen in my parent's home, announced that I was going skydiving and walked out the door - not to be heard from again for nearly 8 hours, until I returned home again.

I had pondered the idea of skydiving for a while, but only decided that morning, when I got up, that I would actually go through with it . . . or at least try to.

I didn't tell anyone before that morning . . . nor did I give anyone a chance to stop me.

And in spite of being scared out of my mind, AGAIN, I jumped out of a perfectly good airplane from 3000' and parachuted to terra firma. I loved it, and would like to think I was brave in my adventure, but I know that I wasn't. In fact if they would have let me (and I hadn't just invested $175 for the training and jump), I would have ridden back down with the pilot. But the instructor simply looked at me and said (as he pointed out of the plane), that's the only way down for you. And he was right.

And from that point on in my life I didn't look back - I didn't let my fears dominate the course that I followed.

Sure I still had fears, but I finally taught myself that I could overcome them . . . when and if I choose to.

Why YOU Should Challenge Your Fears

Now, I look back, as a retired Navy Pilot with over 600 carrier landings (250 of them at night) at what hot day in August meant to me. Sometimes I think maybe I should have been more scared in some situations, and that was my sheer ignorance that prevented that, but I never once doubted my capabilities in an airplane. Sure, I screwed up occasionally (ok, maybe more than just occasionally), but I never doubted or feared that I was incapable of handling the situation. Mostly, I believe, because I learned that the fears that hold you back are all . . . just in your mind.

So, I have to ask you . . . when was the last time you did something that really scared you?

And I challenge you to do something today . . . that scares you - whatever that might be!