How to Create A Shared Vision

What do you do when you have partners in a relationship that are completely different - have different skills, backgrounds, and thought processes?

Is it possible to make it work with partners who are as different as day and night, when they think and act differently in nearly everything they do?

Absolutely!!! And to be completely frank, I believe, that DIVERSITY is something that should be celebrated as a gift, not a barrier to long term success. But before you get too far in the celebration, you better figure out if you have two very important things before you consummate the relationship:

1. Common / Shared Vision
2. Trusted and Open Communication.

Without these two elements, you will not only struggle, but eventually fail.

Unfortunately, diversity with relationships is usually seen as a time bomb, just waiting to destroy the partnership - but it doesn't have to be the case.

It's not who you are that defines the success of a relationship,
it's what you want to create.

So as long as you both (or all) want to create something bigger than you have today, together, and can agree on what that is, the individuality of each partner becomes a benefit, not a destructive element.

The other day, I wrote the blog, Relationships Last As Long as There Is Shared Vision, where I discussed the importance of shared visions in a relationship. But what I didn't really discuss is how you build a shared vision, if you don't have one yet. Or more importantly, how do you take two or more people whose vision isn't exactly the same, and generate a vision that you can both support and even commit to? And how do you do that when you don't communicate as well as you should? The rest of this article will answer both those questions - and give you the tools to create a vision (a Partnership Constitution) that will bind the team better than if you were of the same mind to begin with.

1. Agree That You Will Create Win-Win Relationship or There Will Be No Deal

The first step in creating a shared vision is to decide that you will do exactly that. This may sound unbelievably obvious, but it is the precise step that is often overlooked and which creates the most trouble.

Each partner must, in advance, agree that they desire to create a Shared Vision (a true Win-Win relationship) that every one AGREES to completely - that all will COMMIT to with all their being, or there will not be an organization.

They must agree that if this doesn't happen, then the team will dissolve and go their own ways, with no hard feelings - this is the "No Deal" option.

Once all partners agree that they will work together, as diligently as necessary to either create a shared vision or to walk away and go their own ways, then you are ready for the next step, deciding what each partner really hopes to create.

2. Each Partner Must Have Their Own Vision In Mind

The key to creating a shared vision is for each of the partners to know what they want individually first. Who do they want to be? What do they want to create? Why do they want to create it? How do they want to create it? That's right, each partner must know what they want from life and from the partnership before they walk in to discussion . . . or they may be persuaded by "group think".

It's not good enough to just have these thoughts in your mind, they must be written down so they become independent of the individual who owns them - they must begin to live and breath on their own, just as the shared vision eventually will.

3. All Partners Must Listen "Empathically" To Each Others' Vision

Now the tough work begins (as if the work to this point hasn't been tough). Each partner needs to not only understand their own vision, but empathically (from the perspective of the owner) understand each partner's desires for the future of the partnership. This requires communication at a deep level - listening to each persons ideas, reading their thoughts and understanding their hopes and dreams (from their perspective - not their own).

This will take time and considerable effort. But by going through this process, each partner will have a better understand of the other, and will gain new perspective on what is both possible and what is not.

4. As a Team, Brainstorm and Write The Shared Vision - Capturing / Encapsulating The Most Important Elements Of Each Partner's Individual Vision

By the time you reach this stage, this becomes almost irrelevant, because you will have gained such a deep understanding of the hopes and dreams of each other. But don't stop before you finish - consummate the relationship by capturing the moment in written form that can be referenced and reviewed time and again in the future. And before you walk away, make sure that each partner signs the document, as if it were a binding contract to each other to support the ideals and principles that lay before you all.

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Finally, let me leave you with a single thought.

If you are like me and so many others who are trying to create something bigger than yourself, then at some point you are going to have to bring others onto your team - whether you want them to be partners . . . or employees. The more you understand about the concepts of creating a vision with partners, the more you begin to understand the elements of leadership and will be able to bring others on board for your life's adventure.

Learn these techniques, they will serve you well, in both personal and professional relationships - on that I stake my reputation.

Technology Doesn't Fix Communication Problems

In spite of what most "techies" will tell you and try to sell you, technology doesn't fix communication problems, it only makes communication easier. Bad communication whether it's face to face or via some form of technology is and always will be "bad communication".

Whether it's email, IM, Texting, telephone, teleconference, video teleconference, or any of the social networking tools, it's not the system you use, it's the way you communicate that makes the difference.

As a good friend of mine, JaWar (@JaWar) is constantly emphasizing to me and all of his friends, its all about engagement. And engagement requires trust - trust that the people you are talking to will honor your words and not humiliate you or embarrass you.

Engagement is defined as the act of being engaged
or emotionally involved / committed.

Engagement is an "action" verb - not a passive one. It requires your interaction with those you which to communicate with - not sitting back and just monitoring.

If you lecture to me or talk at me, and don't acknowledge or respond to my replies - you are not engaging - and therefor not really communicating. It doesn't matter if this is on Twitter, through IMs, emails, or even face to face, it's all the same.

Or if you just sit back and read, absorbing everything going on, but not adding to the conversation - again, you are not engaging. And still, you are not really communicating.

If you want to build relationships, I don't care where you want to build them, engage with those who engage with you. Join in the fray - get out of your comfort zone - take a chance and reach out to people that are out there. Give yourself to the process of communication - two way. Sure you can use all the tools available to you, but don't expect the tools to do the work - that's up to you.

Join in the fray - get out of your comfort zone - take a chance and reach out to people that are out there.

It May Be Easy, But Being A "Yes Man" Isn't The Solution

Most people think that there are two extremes and one middle position when it comes to communicating in the workspace. These include the guys that are always on the side of the boss (kissing up to get promoted), on the opposite extreme always arguing with the boss (and constantly fearful for their job), or right in the middle saying nothing at all.

The first is more affectionately known as the "Yes-Man". We all know this guy - he agrees with everything the boss says - no matter how stupid it is and no matter wrong it is for the organization. He is affirming to the end. The funny thing is that the "Yes-Man" will tell you he is looking out for the company, always trying to do the right thing, but what he is really concerned about is his own butt.

The second is the "Antagonist". In the business world, this is the guy who speaks his mind - NO MATTER WHAT! He is uncouth, and will say anything at any time - regardless of the consequence. He will tell you that he is speaking his mind because that is who he is - and he is only looking out for the best interest of the organization. Unfortunately, again, his motivations also tend to be more self-centered, because he's not really looking at the best interest of the organization, he's just covering his butt, for when he knows it's going to fail.

The third is the silent majority in every organization. They are quite honestly, the worst of the three, because they often have great insights on the organization, but are so afraid of being labeled a "Yes Man" or an "Antagonist" that they just sit silently. Like the other two - they justify their silence in the name of helping the organization - the truth is they are committed only to themselves - not their organization

However, there is a fourth option - one that is not a "Yes-Man", an "Antagonist", or the "Silent Type". Who is this guy? He's a Leader. He's the one who listens to the arguments of others and still speaks his mind completely -regardless of his position in the organizational structure. He is confident and forthright. But this guy does it differently than the "Antagonist", because he speaks from the perspective of understanding others points of view and does it so as to always get invited back for future discussions. He is respectful, but forthright and open.

And unlike the other three examples where their influence in the company ends at the edge of the desk, the "Leader" actually has leverage with every level of the organization - his subordinates love him, his peers seek him out, and his superiors want him at every meeting that he has time to be at. He influences teams and individuals at all levels, not because his ideas are better than any others, but because he manages to speak his mind in such a way that people actually seek him out for his opinion - even when they know he most likely will disagree with them.

So, who are you? Are you . . .

a YES MAN?

an ANTAGONIST?

one of the SILENT MAJORITY?

or are you a LEADER?

Build Great Communication Skills When You Don't Need Them, So They Are There When You Do

One of my secondary jobs when I was flying for the Navy, was as LSO (landing signals officer). If you aren't familiar, he's the guy that stands at the back of the Carrier and controls the airplanes coming into land. It was a job that was both rewarding and often exhausting.

Good or bad (depending on who you are and how you look at it) - no two days were ever the same.

As an LSO, my main tool was my voice - my communication skills. Unfortunately, as we all know, communication is a two-person activity, so I also needed to make sure that the pilots were listening. . . and even more importantly, understood what I was saying. That didn't happen overnight. As good an LSO as I thought I was, I had to earn the pilots respect and I needed to learn their limitations.

Literally, half of my job was spent building a rapport and trust with every pilot in the Air Wing (learning about them, who they were, and their strengths and their weaknesses) - so when the times got tough, when the seas were rough, the deck was moving all over, the winds were gusty, and it was a dark, "no moon" night, I would know what help each pilot needed, how they would respond, and that they would trust and listen to me.

Funny thing is, being an LSO, is a lot like coaching. In fact, I wished I would have known then, what I do know now - I might have been a better LSO. But I did alright - Thankfully, in the 8 years that I "waved" aircraft aboard Aircraft Carriers, there was never an accident on my watch - a fact I'm quite proud of.

Why do I bring this up in a business / personal coaching blog? Because great two-way communication isn't built overnight - and it's never there when you need, unless you worked hard on it, when you didn't need it.

In any relationship, business, personal, or even intimate, you WILL hit tough times. You will have a crisis that you will have to contend with. And getting through that crisis is going to take communication - in many cases great communication. But if you wait until the crisis comes, it will most likely be too late.

Unfortunately, most people think they are good enough to blow off the daily communication - trust building - and still be able to power through the tough times. And to be honest, in my humble opinion, most people are fools.

Real open and trusted communication, the kind needed to survive a crisis, or even to build greatness in an organization requires consistent care. It requires regular (near daily) contact between both parties. It requires trust.

I can promise you, that you will hit hard times in some relationship that you have. It might not be tomorrow or the next day, but it will come. And when it does, you are going to wish you had better communication skills. You are going to wish the other person would listen to you and trust you. And they will be thinking the same. But when you are in the situation, most likely with trust stretched thin and emotions frayed, you aren't going to be able to work both on the problem and your communication skills. And that means that you will NOT, most likely come up with the best possible solution - the win-win solution.

Sure you might get lucky once in a while - but expecting it time and time again without laying the necessary groundwork is insanity.

Stop playing Russian Roulette with your relationships. Stop expecting your suppliers, employees, customers, friends, family, wife or husband to be there and listen to you when you need them - if you aren't there and listening to them when you don't. Take time everyday to take care of one (or more) of your critical relationships. Talk to them, not about work, or about tough things - talk to them about them. Listen to their stories - understand who they are now, so that when some crisis has come up that has worn you both down, and your relationship is stressed or strained, you have a foundation of trust that you can count on.

Build the foundation of real communication so it will carry you through the worst conditions you ever face.

Simple Tips to Difficult Conversations - Know What You Want!

Have you ever had to have a conversation with someone, about something very important, but were scared to death to do it, because of the potential repercussions? Or have you ever had a conversation that started sweet and innocent, but then became divisive and emotional, when you least expected it?

I think there are two types of people in the world, when it comes to these questions - those that have faced these struggles in the past. . . and those that will - someday in the future.

Difficult, stressful conversations, that can become life altering happen everyday. How we handle them is often the difference between success and failure - regardless of who you are.

No matter where you are in your life, difficult conversations can be the most stressful and tasking thing that we, as compassionate and feeling human beings, face. There are things that we know we need to share with others, but our fears of what might happen, seem to always prevent us from actually doing anything about it. Until it's too late.

Regularly, I have clients ask me what to do in this situation. And much to their frustration, I ask them a simple question in return . . .

What do you want?

As simple as that may sound, knowing what you want at all times when these difficult conversations come up can be the difference between a happy ending or one that is far "less than happy". The problems arise, when you forget what you want - what really matters to you - and you don't keep those desires in the fore front of your mind.

Do you want to get into a fight about it? Of course not. You want to come up with an amicable solution.

Is it your intent to make someone else feel bad by telling them something very personally difficult to hear? Definitely not. But you do want to help them understand the truth and help them resolve the issue if they want to.

The trouble is most people don't know what they want, so it's nearly impossible for them to think about it when they are in the midst of a very trying situation. And even when they think they do know what they want, they often haven't dug deep enough to know what is most important to them - instead of just the surface "feel good" stuff.

So, when you are about to have a difficult conversation or maybe even find yourself in one already, stop yourself and think for just a second, "What do I really want to come out of this conversation?" Do you want to resolve the problem or issue so that everyone wins . . . or do you want to be right?

Once you know the answer and focus on it, I think you'll surprise even yourself how you handle the conversation.

Listen First . . . And Listen Empathetically

"Listening is a magnetic and strange thing,
a creative force. The friends who listen to us
are the ones we move toward.
When we are listened to, it creates us,
makes us unfold and expand."

Next time you find yourself in a passionate discussion or maybe even a heated argument, try something different. Rather than arguing your point of view and putting the other person on the defensive, listen to what they have to say.

I don't mean "shutting up" while they are talking - I mean listen. Turn off the TV and the computer screen. Don't think about what you want to say next. Don't think about what you're having for dinner later. And definitely don't stare off into the sunset, waiting for the noise to stop.

Just listen to them.

And, if you manage to stay focused on the words for more than a minute or two, try to listen past the words and hear the meaning and feelings behind the words.

I know, it sounds hokey. And you are probably asking yourself,

How am I going to win the discussion or argument, if I all I do is listen? I've got to give my opinion in order to change their mind.

But when you listen first and ask sincere questions about what the other person is trying to share, you might be surprised by what happens.

By listening first, you are demonstrating that you care about them as individuals - what they say and how they feel matters to you. And believe it or not, you are building trust. You are demonstrating to them that it's not an argument that you are trying to win, but rather a winning solution you are trying to find with them - the right solution.

And believe it or not, when someone trusts you, they actually begin to want to hear your opinion and gain your advice. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But if you continue to practice the art of listening first, you will be surprised at the influence you gain - simply by building trust.

"The reason why so few people are agreeable in conversation is that each is thinking more about what he intends to say than about what others are saying, and we never listen when we are eager to speak."

Francois La Rochefoucauld

Communication - The Solution To Your Problems

Got Problems? Communication is the solution - or at least it is 99,99% of the time.

Every problem has a solution - the difficulty most people have is finding and implementing the best solution. I want to thank Gloria Bell, Brett Bodine, Jenci Spradlin, Joe Cook and Brian Campbell from Twitter for reminding of the power of communication in amazing chat last night.

Unfortunately, too often, people try to solve their problems with the same thought process that created it (their own mind) and they tend to carry the burden of the problems (and thus the solution) on their own shoulders.

Whether we like it or not, we are social beings. We need to share our lives with others to optimize our happiness and grow individually and collectively. And thanks to technology, we are able to grow our social networks larger and larger than ever before - gaining advice, support and actual help from more friends, neighbors, and even (dare I say it) enemies than ever before.

We all have expertise of some specific field. But no matter who you are, we all lack something - some knowledge and wisdom that we need others to fill in. Some are better at finances, while others are better at marketing. Some have great hand-eye coordination but lack the ability to think systematically, and yet others are the exact opposite. Nobody, I repeat NOBODY, can do it all on their own.

And the glue to our network is communication. The answer to nearly every problem is communication. The more trusted and open the communication is, the more effective we can be in accomplishing our goals - if for no other reason than because the more likely others (whom we need) will be both willing and able to help us.

So stop trying to be a one man or one woman show (and yes, I'm taking my own advice on this one). Share your vision of the future with every one you know (and even those you don't know). Invite them into your life. Engage with them to find out what they have to offer to you - or to others around you.

Listen and read more than you talk and write.

Only when you do all of these things with an open heart and an open mind will we all truly begin to make strides to reach the next level of the human experience.

Up until the Industrial Age, our Tribe (as Seth Godin like to call it) was very limited. Our sphere of influence rarely left our own home - at most reaching to the edges of our direct community (town or city).

Then with the advent of new forms of communication and transportation in the Industrial Age, we were able to extend our spheres of influence well beyond the limits of our eyesight - our reach went beyond the horizons for the first time. But during this age of communication, time tended to be the biggest limiting factor in the development and growth of our Tribe - because we could only communicate with so many on a regular, consistent basis.

But now, in the Information Age, there are no limits in time or space on who we can reach out and communicate with. The world is our playground - and currently there are 6 billion people all hanging out together.

Sometimes the noise can be deafening. But if you leverage technology properly, you will find that you can build personal relationships and find partners that compliment you in any endeavor you wish to pursue.

So reach out - engage and invite others into your world. And literally. . .

Grow in ways you never thought possible.

Truth - A Necessity For Real Growth

If you want to become more than you currently are today, then you MUST first face the brutal truth of your current reality - the truth about who and where you are right now. But facing the truth is both difficult and in many ways impossible without the assistance of others with an objective view.

So let me ask you two questions:

1. Do you have someone who you trust enough and that loves you enough to actually tell you the truth - whether its good news or bad?
2. Who do you love enough to be completely honest with - even if that communication hurts?

If you are like most that I ask those questions to, it would be one of the hardest conversations you've ever had. Why is that?

It was these questions that stirred up a great conversation with two Tweeps, Gloria Bell (@GloriaBell) and Ron Hudson (@Ron_Hudson) on Twitter the other day on this exact topic. And it was this conversation that has inspired me to write this blog.

You see, I believe that honesty and trust are the foundation of true love. Not part time, fair weather honesty and trust, but every day complete and unconditional honesty and trust. These two concepts, when built into a relationship, promote open and meaningful communication between two people. They are the building blocks of what every successful relationship is about.

Unfortunately though, most people are afraid to be honest with those they love. Why is that?

In our Twitter conversation the other evening, Ron, Gloria and I basically concluded the answer is sadly based in our own insecurities - not in "our love" and compassion for the other person. We agreed that as members of the human race, we tend to be afraid that we will not be able to communicate what we feel without hurting our loved one's feelings. And we fear we could potentially lose our dear friend with such open, honest language as they reject both us and our ideas.

Unfortunately, when we let this fear govern our actions we are being more selfish than protective of our friend's feelings. We tend to be focused more on protecting our own interests than welfare of the one we love. Because, as cold and harsh as it sounds, many of us would rather let someone we love not live up to their potential than risk losing them. And this tends to be true, whether they would like to admit it or not.

Now we all know the adage:

If you love something, set it free. If it come back it is yours. If it doesn't it never was.

The same idea applies here. If you love someone, then you should help them become the best person they can be. Be honest with them - from the spirit of helping them grow. If your heart is truly based in love as you share any truth with them, they will feel it. But beware, if your intention is otherwise, and you are only trying to tear them down and protect your own self interests, they will feel that as well.

Either way, when you are open and honest with someone you love, you must accept that how they respond is their choice - not yours. If your honesty helps them grow beyond your relationship with them, accept that fact - knowing that you helped them to become something bigger and better. It doesn't mean that they don't "love" you. It simply means that they are moving on to something else.

Such is often the struggle of a parent.

So, the key to remember is that when you do something for someone you love, it's not about you - it is about them. Because, as I have only recently truly come to understand, love is doing for others what makes them feel loved and gives them the strength to be the best person they can be.

As difficult as that can be sometimes.

I'm sorry, we're out of time

Being concise and to the point - a powerful way to communicate and keep your audience's attention. This is Seth Godin's point in his blog today.

How good are you at accomplishing this? I know I'm usually not very good at it. But I won't belabor the point, because that will defeat the purpose.

Bottom line - Know that you only have someone's attention for so long. If you can't make your point right away, you will not only increase the likelihood of them getting what you want them to get, but you will also likely have them wanting more.

Sales Management & Leadership - Effective Communication Is the Foundation

Let's take Tom Schaber's blog entry on Sales Management and Leadership to the next level. Effective communication isn't just for Sales Managers - it's key for anyone who is on a team - whether you are the leader of the team or just a team member.

Truth is, "Communication" is the underlying key of any relationship. And communication requires trust. Which in this context, is not referring to trusting someone will do what they are told. Instead, in this context, it refers "trusted" and open communication.

Trusted communication exists when each person respects all other members of a team and has their best interests in mind as well as the best interest of the team when communicating with each other. They will listen respectfully and be open to the words spoken - as well as being willing to speak their mind, knowing their words will be honored.

Think about the teams you are on - whether you are the leader of the team or just a member. Do you feel safe to say what's on your mind? Do others listen and respect your opinion? Do you make others feel safe to speak their mind?

Do you trust the others on the team enough to openly speak their mind? Are you trustworthy enough that others feel safe speaking their mind in front of you?

Think hard about the answers to those questions.

I would like to say that it is the leaders responsibility to make all of this happen - but in most situations, the leader / manager doesn't know enough to do it on their own. And if you wait until they figure it out, you might be out of luck. So, whether you are the leader, or just a team member, make the environment you work in a trusted environment.

So what can you do to build trust in the work place? It's simple - Be Impeccable With Your Word! (The first Agreement from don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements)

- Respect others opinions and stand up for them whether you agree with them or not - making sure they know you will make sure their voice is heard. Give them voice.

- Respect those that aren't present - as if they were. Don't gossip.

- Actively listen to those who do speak - doing your best to listen to their inputs so that you truly understand them.

It may take some time and, in all likelihood, it will be very tough to do. But no matter who you are, you can change how well the communication works between you and any other person or team. You simply have to make a choice to make it happen - and commit to it.